Space for grace

 The word space conjures a lot of images for me. If I'm completely honest, my first thought when I hear the word is to add "the final frontier" because, well, I'm a bit of a Trekkie thanks to my dad. In the last year, space has become a thing that most people are super aware of in a very concrete manner. Space is primarily about physical distance. It's about the safety of being apart from people who are not part of your household unit. That's been really hard for me. While I am a staunch believer and enforcer of "no hugs at school" (if you are curious I will be happy to explain why, but this is not the post for that) I am a toucher. I hug people, I put my hand on their shoulder, I hold hands with my Sunday School kids and my Goddaughters. I even became very accustomed to the three cheek kisses that are common in Russian culture. I look forward to those things. However, I also have fully respected the space required by social distancing. I have been conscious of what others are comfortable with and have asked about hugs when seeing someone I hadn't seen in a while. I am by no stretch of the imagination saying that being aware of another person comfort level is bad. In fact I think that's one of the beautiful things that has come out of all this is that we are all more aware of other people's comfort levels. 

Anyway, neither of those are the "space" I want to talk about. Space, the final frontier will always make me smile and physical space will always be something that different people need more or less of to be comfortable, but the space I want to talk about is the space in our lives that we make for each other. Not the "inner circle, I share everything with you" space, but the real space. The space none of us really wants to admit that we don't like to give. The space that is a struggle to offer. The space that lets the other person be real, honest and vulnerable. The space for grace. 

I know, I know, we all talk about letting people be who they are, but do we really let that happen. We talk about acceptance and understanding, but are we really offering it. My dad used to say "everyone has the right to be wrong" and for most of my life I thought he was being a widely arrogant, overly confident butthead by saying he was right and I was wrong. About ten years ago, I realized that's not what he was saying. He was literally telling me to let people be wrong when they need to be wrong. That I don't have to make them see it. I don't have to right all the wrongs. I can be ok with their wrong. I want to be clear here that I am not talking about the kind of wrong that makes people think they get to hurt people, that's a wrong that I will step in and stop with all my might. I am talking about the wrong that I might completely disagree with, but if I start coming at someone like a ton of bricks, they won't hear me anyway. So now that person is wrong and I've lost a relationship, which means, I can't ever help them understand. Also, I can't understand. I can't understand how they got to the point of view they have or where they are coming from. The space for understanding is closed and that's the space that matters the most.

The space for understanding matters more than anything else, because that's the space for grace. That's where we learn to be ok with each other and it's where we are able to communicate with each other in very real and honest ways. 

This space is important in another way, it's also the space where we learn to be ok with ourselves. Grace is not just for others. I don't know about you, but I can be really, really hard on myself with crazy high expectations of what I should be able to handle. I recently went to someone for help with a situation and later apologized for not being able to handle it on my own. This person, whom I respect deeply, said that when she pictures me she sees me on a unicycle (always a unicycle - ironically, I can't ride a bike - that's another story), riding on a tight rope, with plates on my head, while juggling and one of the items I'm juggling is on fire. The visual of this makes me giggle but her point was that I do handle the things probably for longer than I need to, so when I ask for help it's because I need help and there's no reason to apologize for that. This concept really hit me. It occurred to me that I would never think twice about someone else asking for help but I wasn't willing to give myself the space for grace to ask for help. Why not? Why am I closing that space for myself when I know it's the most important space in my life? 

The last couple of years, but definitely the last year, have made me incredibly aware of how often the space for grace is closed. We talk about offering grace (it was a very common phrase in education this year) but are really doing it? Do we even really know what that means? Do we really get what grace is and how to make space for it in our lives? 

Grace is not just remembering to be polite to people because you don't know what they are going through it is remembering to treat others as you wish to be treated. It is truly seeing the light in that person, even when that person is trying really hard to hide it or you really don't want to see it. It's putting aside being right so that you can learn who the other person is and why. We do not all have to agree but we do all have to be ready to make space for grace if we ever want to really understand each other. If I'm totally honest (which I try to be) I think that's what love thy neighbor really means.