The Blessed Quarantine - I don't want to get this right.

This is Holy Week in the Eastern Orthodox Church. A traditional Holy Week consists of approximately 30 hours of services. Our parish typically has services at least once a day. Normally, the kids and I would hurry home from school to have something to eat and get ready for church. We would spend each evening walking the path that Christ walked during the week from Palm Sunday to Pascha (Easter). Each night we would be able to feel the intensity of the services growing. As we got closer to Great and Holy Friday, we would start talking about when we were going to cook things and prepare the basket based on church service times and school. At some point in the last month I would have turned in a request for Great and Holy Friday off. Early in the week I would have emailed my kids' teachers and let them know that it's Holy Week and we have church in the evenings so the kids might be a little more tired and that getting things done at home would be pretty much off the table. I would also have let the teachers know that the kids would be absent Friday. Great and Holy Friday is completely dedicated to church. There are three separate services and time between the first two is spent decorating the tomb of Christ with flowers. It's a time of sweet, wonderful fellowship during the darkest day of the Liturgical year. Christ is on the cross at this point and we are literally preparing his tomb. Often there are several children around and the mothers are all working to give them jobs to do so they are involved (and kept busy) through out the process. It's a gorgeously active day with a beautiful awareness of the reality of Christ's Crucifixion. On Saturday morning the whole feeling of the church is different. Christ has broken the bonds of hell by this point. The gates are open, but we don't really know that yet. On Saturday night we would return to the church for three more services that all flow into each other like one, well marathon, service. As I grow in my understanding of Orthodoxy, I'm beginning to realize that this is more common than I knew. Many of those really long services of my youth were actually multiple services done back to back. On Sunday late morning there would be the Agape vespers with a HUGE picnic following. We would all join together to celebrate and feast on the foods that we don't eat during the fast of Lent. It's one of our favorite activities and the whole parish looks forward to the Agape Picnic. (Agape means love, so this is literally the "picnic of love" and when you are there you can truly feel that love.)

That's how this week would usually go. But this isn't what we are doing right now because we aren't in a usual time. It's different. We are live streaming services and schooling from home. There is no hurrying home from school to make sure we can eat and get to church on time. That part is kind of nice, but there is also no decorating the tomb or taking Friday off to spend the day at church. There's no physical separation from the "world" by entering into the church building and being engulfed in it. The thing is, Orthodoxy hits all the senses. Between the icons, the incense, the chanting, the candles (stand close to a full candle stand and tell me you don't feel the warmth) and the Eucharist, all five senses are addressed. Now, don't get me wrong, as an Orthodox home, we have icons, candles and incense. We have antidoron (blessed bread) to eat during communion. It's not the Eucharist, but it reminds what we are doing. We live the stream the services so we hear our wonderful parish priest and our amazing parish chanter, which is awesome. I love that we have the technology to still be able to have church, but it's not the same. I'm not enveloped in the service while I stand in my living room. No matter how much incense I'm burning or candles I light, it's not the same. We'll make a basket, we'll even sprinkle it with Holy Water at the point in the service when father blesses the baskets on Sunday, but it's not the same.

During the Passion Gospels service on Thursday (tonight), we place Christ on the cross (in Orthodoxy the next day starts in the evening so Thursday evening is Liturgically Friday). At this point in the service a large wooden crucifix that stands in the altar is brought by the priest (usually with the deacon censing in front of him - censing is what is happening when you see a priest lifting the incense burner towards an object or the people, I'm sure you've all seen it in a movie if no where else) to the center of the front of the church and it is placed in a stand there. This happens after the reading of the first six Gospels (I think, I kind of lose track sometimes). While the priest is bringing the crucifix to the center of the church, the congregation kneels, actually prostrates...fully, which means our faces are typically on the ground. We aren't watching this happen. This isn't a spectator moment. This is often a moment of raw, intense emotion. Honestly, I often cry during this moment. Tonight, I cried...hard...and ugly...on my living room floor. As I was crying, I thought, this isn't right. The carpet is the wrong color and it doesn't smell like incense. Then it hit me. I don't want to get this right.

I miss being in church more than I miss anything else right now. Please do not misinterpret that to mean that I don't miss my students and my friends and the people I love, because I do. I miss all of that, but I miss being in church more. I miss the large wooden doors and the being surrounded by icons as tall as I am. I miss seeing the candles in the candle stands and knowing that each one represents someone's prayers. I miss smelling the incense of the season (yes, it changes with seasons...kind of). I miss sliding into our pew (not because we own it but because we usually sit there, creatures of habit). I miss feeling like I have a place to escape the world and just be in the presence of God. So I don't want to figure out how to get this right. I don't want live stream church to feel right. Again, don't get me wrong, live streaming church is a great thing and there are lots of people who receive the word of God that way. I am, by no means whatsoever, saying anything negative about that. I am saying, it's not what I want my normal to be. I don't want it to feel right.

The first time we live streamed Divine Liturgy in our house, we worked so hard to make it "right". We set the computer up near our home altar (which we've had for years). We lit candles. We had incense burning. We even rang a bell that I have at the times during the service that there would be a bell rung (my female offspring is often the bell ringer at church so it worked out well). We all stood and sat at the appropriate times and you know what, it didn't work. It felt really forced and unpleasant.  After that service, I decided that if live streaming services are going to be anything remotely edifying, I can't force it to be right. I have to let it be organic. So we sit more than we would normally and sometimes the kids fall asleep (this happens in the church building too, 30 hours of services is A LOT). If the puppy needs to go out, someone takes him out. We don't do random things, but we do what feels like it needs to be done. While it's organic and it allows us all to feel a little less pressure to make it right, it's not what we (and I think I speak for the family here) want our church experience to be.

God is everywhere and He fills all things. I truly, completely believe that. I have always known that God fills my home. He is present here at all times (sometimes we choose to ignore Him, but I feel like that's a separate story), but the truth is, that going into the church is an intentional act that reminds me to ground myself in Him. Yes, daily prayer is intentional and reminds me of the same thing, but making the effort to physically enter into God's house requires me to actively separate myself from this world. It's like I'm showing God that I value Him over the things here. So, I don't want church in my living room to feel right, because I want to remember that making the effort is worth it. God sees us make an effort to be with Him. Yes, He knows that right now the effort we make looks different, but the realization that going into the church building means so much to me is huge. Maybe that's part of the lesson here, God doesn't want us to take seeking Him for granted. When we make the effort to go to His house, we seek Him...actively, intentionally and purposefully. So I hope live stream church never feels right but right now, I will seek Him in everything I can.